I now have both a computer and software that will allow me to begin a post, safely save it, later edit, and then easily post it when it’s done.
And I only need the internet to post, not to write.
I’m afraid I’ll say too much and sound stupid.
It won’t stop me, tho, lol
I detest labels, as mentioned previously.
I do not have issues with others using them for themselves and their relationships.
My dislike comes from the fact that no matter which ‘label’ one applies to me (myself or another) it isn’t ever correct. For long, at least.
I had dinner with a good friend and his friends last week… and some great conversation with others in the lifestyle/industry. One woman in particular made an impression on me. I was fascinated by how her impression of me, kink wise, seemed to be based on her assessment of me at a public, social dinner setting, being aware at the start that I am kinky (Hmmm… any Lit majors who can tell me HOW to fix that tense SNAFU???)… Her first comment was that she felt it was obvious that I was a bottom/sub, simply because in moments of conversation I would stop pressing my point, rather than try to talk over another. The second impression (and I cop to balking visibly at it) was to assume I didn’t know what I was buying (or talking about, after all I AM a bottom…) when I mentioned purchasing a 3′ snake whip instead of a signal whip. (Different application, but 10 years working with whips, BEFORE anyone ever intentionally hit me with one…) It turned out she had experience with western display work (where I started) so we had an interesting conversation. However I never quite lost the feeling we were competing on some level…. TRULY at least my fault or more than hers…
BUT WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT????
Make no mistake… she’s a lovely woman and I hope to get to know her better. She is also 20 years my junior, so perhaps hasn’t learned yet that just because someone doesn’t fit into her ‘perception slots’ doesn’t mean they are clueless. And to be quite fair, I know a number of women her age that I have learned much from. I’m sure the idea that someone half my age thinking I can’t possibly know anything they can discuss with me simply is an automatic ‘fail’ for me.
I may be a bottom, but I’m no pushover J
And we come back to the start again… I’m….. not easily defined, kink wise. Truly, what I am not or do not want is easier to posit than what I am and what I do… And I don’t know if it’s endemic, or simply the time I found the public scene, or even a function of the age at which I found the scene. I know that frequently people are confused (or think I am) by the fact that I verbally ID as a bottom, yet talk about singletailing others, or even as developing it as a skill. (Bottoms throwing whips??? Heaven forefend!!)
And I complicate matters by being very clear that I am NOT a switch.
And THAT, I suspect, should be another post…
So, here’s my first official blog post with what *should* be a direct upload of content.
Pray for me.
If this works, please continue to pray for me, sinner that I aspire to be…..
Ok, so, I’ve been away for a while.
I’m in the middle of attempting to figure out how to upgrade this account, but as I didn’t do the initial installation, I’m at a bit of a loss. I have to figure out how it was done, back it up, and then upgrade it. THEN I can tell windows to just simply POST a blog when I finish it, which will in the long run mean more postbility.
For now, however, I’m kinda stumped.
Generally speaking I am pretty good with the whole technowlogy (sic.) thing, but I’m sick and tired (both literally) and it’s beyond me at the moment.
Yep. I’m tired. Not tired of playing, but tired of the WORK GETTING TO PLAY can take.
I’ll toss in here the NOT tired of a lovely co-bottom, and a scintillating …. partner with whom negotiation has become pleasantly (and a little surprisingly) germane… Nor any of the male counterparts at the most recent event I had the pleasure of attending…
And I will fully admit that as a friend says, I suffer from a ‘high class problem’ i.e. - I AM SPOILED!
It’s not ‘lack of interest’ it’s ‘Lack of interest in a predominately hetero (flexible) female under the ‘visible’ age of …. early 20’s…. oh…if kink.com did milfs..)
As a reasonably attractive single bottom/sub, (well over 24) I’m *still* a fairly rare commodity…only I’m a bit more problematic because I know it 
BUT!!!!
I’m tired… tired of being whatever type of player I am… tired of explaining, tired of being quantified (be it less or more). Tired of frakking …explaining.
I’m tired of having people expect things, or assume things. Tired of being paid ‘film’ rates for a session, or paying to give a session… WTF???
Tired of fighting to find…. Je ne c’est qua… when I just want… EXCHANGE…
When did knowing a good whip throw become a detriment to a masochistic bottom?
When did knowing the mechanics of what is being done TO me become a negative?
Have I mentioned I’m an oddity?
::snort::
If you missed it: I missed the kink till a couple years ago, been an actress for 20+ years and studying stage combat (the art of recreating historical fights for stage and film) for 10 years.
‘The toppiest bottom I’ve ever met’
I cried for an hour tonight: I am not a lousy bottom… I am NOT a lousy bottom…
I AM NOT A LOUSY BOTTOM…..
Being a ‘good’ bottom was so tied up in ‘belonging’ to someone. That ’someone’ came up in conversation recently: ‘ maybe you should look at why you’re talking about him’ my friend said.
Which sparked a Tori Amos song quote:
“‘You know you’re really an ugly girl..”
But I thanked him… can you believe that?
Holding on to his picture, dressing up every day…
I want to smash the faces, of those beautiful boys…’
Why is is OK for you to do so about how you feel, and not OK for me (note: 4 mos since ex discussed )?
I did a ‘video’ last week that was really a session (hand under the drapes whackin’ off, and if my olifactory senses are accurate, the dude dun got his rocks of.
I AM NOT A LOUSY BOTTOM!!!! No, I am ALSO NOT 24. I am also not of perfect physique. I am not perfect in any respect.
I AM a damned good bottom.
I AM A ROCKIN’ BOTTOM!!!
I have this periodic rant I come back to regarding confidentiality and the internet.
I’m a bit of an anomaly for my age: I grew up not only with a computer in the house, but writing code. I was on the internet BEFORE AOL and Mindspring made it ‘easy’ with web portals… basically skins that made your screen look the same consistently… limiting the actual interface an individual had with the world wide web, which, when I met it, was predominantly scientific/factual, and not the plethora of sites we have now, where anyone can have their own domain for 10 bucks and a hosting fee (or no fee, depending).
My roommate is a generation younger than I, and she has commented that I’m one o the few people in my age range she knows that gets that ANYTHING posted on the internet IS available. PERIOD.
People with LJ’s…. betcha if you’re locking sensetive posts about your lives, someone with access is sharing, even if they don’t intend to.
Facebook… even if your profile is locked, your friends may NOT be…
Myspace? Even I have hacked ‘broken links’ people use to hide details, and I’m a slouch.
If you missed this notice: deleted files are STILL on your hard drive… so don’t let the laptop you stored your porn on into evidence in your divorce.
Most peoples passwords are for shite. Not only that, but if you crack one you have likely cracked most of them, and the rest are variations.
I decided over a year ago I wasn’t going to post anything online i wasn’t willing for the world to see and identify with me. I try for a minimum of anonymity (ie googleing my given and professional names don’t bring up dual hits) mostly to protect my parent’s sensibilities: I’m out to them and will share whatever they want to know, I’d just rather they didn’t stumble upon what they don’t want to see.
Oh… and an occasional angsty post locked not to hurt someone, and LJ posts with nekked pixs.
But, hey, kids…. with programs that will search for all your email contacts online and connect to them… maybe secrets are best kept off the net.
One more point: a locked post can be hacked, and an unknown url can be found by trial and error.
It’s sad, but some people will put in that much energy…
Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, tho I thought I’d have a little longer:
I got laid off from my office job last week.
This is empirically interesting on a couple of levels, for me, anyway:
This was my first (and hopefully only) full time corporate job. Make no mistake, I’ve temped full time in offices for years, while pursuing artistic endeavors, but I’ve never been a salaried employee with benefits and vacations and performance reviews.
I fare poorly stuck in an office with nothing to do: as a temp, I always had my own work to do if things were slow; resumes, mailings, scheduling auditions, various freelance projects…It’s a pretty time consuming thing, trying to make a living as an actor in NYC (or anywhere, really).
I took this job just shy of 3 years ago to pay for some extremely necessary dental restoration: restoration that was actually vital to my resuming my acting career. All told, it’s likely to cost around $30 to 50 k.
I’ve had about $15 k done (of which I still owe 4 k, with roughly another 3 k before what is in process is complete. And that’s just shy of 50% of the work.
So, had my employment continued thru the end of the year, I would have been poor, but the 7 k would have been (at least mostly) paid. So this isn’t the greatest news I could get.
The outlook isn’t bleak, however…
I’m an employee until the end of August, severance for a month, and unemployment benefits(about 1/4 my pay) until I find a job. Or something.
I’d planned on one more year at this job, then hopefully transitioning to something more in the artistic and/or fetish venue.
Another piscean friend of mine has referred to this as the year of being backwardly blessed:
Lets hope she’s right
After my recent epiphany about my mindset on being a sex worker I’ve started exploring other avenues of interes. I’ve started looking into doing some pro bottoming work. Not being 21 and 115lbs, this is harder than one might think. Kinda like breaking into porn… kinky porn primarily, tho I’d consider m/f as well… but I gotta think I’m more suited to the fetish sector.
I am not ‘model perfect’, I have curves, and I’m happy with them. Sure, like most women I’d like to be a bit thinner (really just want to get back into *those* pants…)
To clarify: I am neither fat, old nor unattractive.
Apropos of my desire to do some film work and ‘pro bottoming’ I’ve spoken with a few select friends. One of whom passed on my photo sites to a (spanking) client and asked about possible interest. Apparently he liked me enough to consider more.
My contact sent me the following email (edited just to take the persona out):
“One of our regular clients, Sxxx, took a look at your photos and is interested in doing a pro session with you at our place. He is primarily a spanking fetishist, but he has listed other things that he would like considered as well. I asked him to be very detailed, and here is what he said:
~ naturally the spanking—hand and hairbrush
face spitting—I spit in her face she in mine (negotiable if she doesn’t want me spitting in her face)
I would like to pinch her nipples—have her pinch and suck mine–
She can sit on my face as I pleasure myself at the end—would love a bare ass face sitting with me allowed to use my tongue on her asshole alone ( but that’s negotiable as well )
Now I am totally embarrassed~
Now, I have a few competing reactions to this,,,
First, flattered someone wants to pay me.
Next, err… this would sooooo not be a ‘bottoming’ scene for me. Looks mostly toppy, with a little switch throw in. S’fine, just not my deal… I bottom and can top (mostly service impact play.)
And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I do believe there are at least two, possibly three instances where this request crosses the blurry line of BDSM and solidly into the land of prostitution.
Again: personal choice. I choose to skip work that could easily get me arrested if seen.
And truly that reads more like a topping heavy switch scene to me… and, despite my desire and willingness to delve deeper in the ’sex work’ well, I do have limits.
No disrespect to those who choose to work as prostitutes, my limits are at the point where I can get arrested.
I was recently contacted about doing a m/f porn shoot much to my surprise, and have a friend who works in the BDSM porn industry who is willing to forward my infor to one of the companies she works for.
So, despite my occasional bout of insecurity, there does seem to be a place for me in this industry, if I want it…
A few weeks ago I had an insane shoot schedule… 4 photographers in 2 locations in two days and we passed thru 5 states. My ‘Capital Tour’ as I’ve decided to call it. It was an eventful and enlightening weekend.
Intellectually I agree with the idea that a fetish model is a sex worker, however I’ve never felt like a sex worker. I was amused the first time I realized the moniker technically applied to me as I had been photographed naked and bound as well as having done what I’d call softcore femdom porn video.
That Sunday, in the middle of a shoot, something shifted. In a moment I’ll never forget I started struggling with the intent of making my ample, natural breasts… bounce. Because guys who want to see me are going to want to watch them move. Just like being billed as a MILF (a label I do not like) it’s simple marketing. One photographer told me not to be offended but my feet were unlikely to end up on his foot fetish site. Marketing.
Thus far the work I’ve done has been primarily Damsel in Distress type work. I’m interested getting involved with work that’s more in line with my personal interests.
What next?
That is what my roommate calls me. I suppose it’s true, in a sense.
I commented in my journal recently that someone who needs to ask if they can hogtie me is unlikely to get the chance. This was a mini rant about a sometimes play partner, and made perfect sense to those I’ve spoken to who know me well. However, I got a couple of questions about negotiation that aren’t easily answerable.
In a certain sense, I don’t negotiate. If we spend longer discussing what can happen in a single scene than the scene is likely to take, I probably am NOT the bottom for you. Or to be self centric, you aren’t the top for ME. If we are strangers and you want a list of my favorite things, I can’t give it to you: it’s simply too subjective a question. Unless I know you can handle a single tail, I’m NOT going to put it at the top of my list. same with cains, knives, needles, cutting, and a whole bunch more things that I won’t list here.
In another very real sense, every conversation is a negotiation. No, someone I’ve met at a party for the first time can’t know how to top me. If you spend 20 minutes talking to me like a human being we’ll both probably have an idea whether or not playing would be fun. If you want to play with me just cuz my tits are big, it’s likely not gonna work out. People who need to tell me how long they’ve been in the scene in the first 5 minutes of conversation are probably people I will walk away form. I’m not impressed. And, true, perhaps it’s just the only thing you can think of to break the ice, but that suggests you’re not going to be very inventive when it comes to play either. I won’t tell you how long I’ve been playing in the first 5 minutes I know you. No matter how I phrase it it always seems to suggest I’m either far more or far less experienced than I am. And if you ask me if I’m a submissive, I won’t correct your grammar, but I will tell you I’m a bottom.
I don’t set out to be problematic. I love play in a huge variety of forms. I am, however, pickey and spoiled.
I am picky because I know what I like. And by that I mean tops who Top, not people who negotiate a single scene for 20 minutes. Not tops who find out what I want to be pleased by. Tops who find out where my interests are and DRIVE a scene. I was also asked if I’d ever bottomed to a switch, and I have. Possibly more than I know. I never ask how someone identifies, and as long as they are driving the scene, I could care less if they bottom to someone else. All I care about is if they are going to drive OUR scene or not.
I’m spoiled because I have had the pleasure of playing with Tops who use what they know, regardless of where they got the information. Spoiled because there are people I’ve had the pleasure of playing with who will take what I say I’m interested in from an ongoing conversation and decide to use it, rather than asking ‘can I hog tie you?’ for a particular scene. People I will tell of a fantasy or desire and either use it or not. Finding out what I want and doing it, simply because it’s what I want?… it can be a lot of fun and I enjoy it, but I sure don’t feel ‘Topped’.
Yes, it’s pretty hard to come by these sorts of folks… I know three, actually play with two of them, and there’s a fourth that may or may not fit that criteria. There IS a fifth, whom I see but rarely and it’s a fairly narrow range of what our play entails. I figure I’m doing fairly well, considering.
When I play with these people…there are plenty of things I may ‘want’ from a scene, but whether I get them or not is up to them.
Just for the record, as I’m primarily discussing people I know and play with on at least a semi regular basis, Two of the above mentioned people I had never met the first time we played.
As one of those two said to me the first time I met/played with him: “Entering this apartment IS consent.”
I prefer to play with Tops who think along those lines.
That’s when I really enjoy bottoming.
And that sort of bottoming (for me) is the only way to get to a deeper level of play.