Shameful Secrets

Consider this  a prelude to what will be coming from me shortlY.

If you know me at all, personally, you know that I can be a bitch when I’m shafted. You’d also know that I’m likely the first person to say I fucked up when I have. If anything, I’m more likely to take on responsibility not mine.

This is a bad choice for me because, despite the intent, I cant let go of my anger and it eventually breaks out. Which, mostly, means after months of making excuses for being treated in a way I don’t like (but never spoke up about) something tweaks me too far and MY anger breaks loose..

I’M NOT a violent person, but I do try to let more go than I should or can and like anyone else I get to a point where I just wont hold anymore. And I get verbally and emotionally ballistic.

Sadly, I’ve been having a tough time lately, and let my shit go in public, embarrassing myself and making problems for friends. I got fucked up. There was a discussion as to if I just got drunk, or got drugged, and after all the dust has settled and a LOT of discussion with a number of people both present and not I believe I had an un usual reaction with meds I have taken for years and my stress level and what I was drinking..

That doesn’t excuse my behaviour, tho I admit to feeling better knowing I didn’t drink my way thru a bottle…

I LOST 5 HOURS.

And I had 2 glasses of wine at home and 2 shots of tequila at the bar (sipped, not shot) over (I think) roughly one hour (the tequila), and managed to be angry with every one of my friends  for slights both real and totally imagined.

A  friend I spoke to said it sounded like I was dosed. My roommate and another friend (who I treated horridly) knew something was ‘wrong’.  Someone suggested I’d been dosed, and, gotta say, despite not wanting to make excuses, it made sense…. that was so not me.

Had a conversation with someone a week later who mentioned an ex who was on anti depressants who was usually totally fine after a few drinks, except for the couple of times she totally freaked.

I think thats the most likely truth: just because I havent had a bad reaction in 2 years doesn’t mean I cant have one…. stress, insomnia, etc,….

So, I still feel like a shit, because I behaved in a way I abhor.. Then I feel better because it WAS abberent and not my norm.

I accept when I fuck up..  That doesn’t make my fuck ups less… fucked up, but I don’t tend to try to make excuses for poor behaviour

I’m seeing a lot of that these days.. I fuck up as much or more than most.

I admit to being  proud that I choose to own my fuck ups rather than try to excuse them.

I screwed up and acted like an asshat. NO matter my justification, my behaviour sucked.  I’ve apologised as well as I can directly to those most affected.

Acceptance or not is their choice.

I respect that.

Consider this my mia culpa. I have a less….. submissive? cowed? self flagellating pov for my next post.