Shameful Secrets

Truthfully I don’t think about this much, for myself. I forget, however, that for some it isn’t so simple, and therefore some don’t see mine as simplicity.

Nix, nickname for Nicole, not a scene name, but what my day to day friends mostly call me.

Nix Nepenthe, ok, well there we do have a pseudonym, chosen for fetish modeling and BDSM porn (when I get to do it, lol).

Frankly, it’s not too hard to find the given name for the pseudonym, and I could care less. Mostly I keep the two separate so my mother doesn’t unwittingly stumble over graphic images of her daughter being beaten, etc.

However, having told her I was attending Fetishcon, I’m kinda out of the closet anyway. I’d tell her whatever she wanted to know… we’ve simply mutually agreed there are things she doesn’t want to know.

 

I learned this lesson the hard way: in the military. Naval Reserve, the fuckers.

Huge relationship backstory that I just cannot bother to go into… suffice to say I signed up for the Naval Reserve (fuckers) 8 years. I did my physical and took my tests, and got high rankings and was slated for crypto (yes, I am smart and I love puzzles) so off I went to boot camp. Some trauma occurred, partly because I was aware of what they were doing to manipulate us and partly due to dental surgery I needed at the time (KILL yourself before you let Naval dentists TOUCH you, let alone extract impacted wisdom teeth…)

Story as short as possible, they bounced my from Crypto A because I was a security risk (I’d had an abortion and not told my parents) **This is the kicker**

SO there I was, stuck in boot camp, and the only thing I could do was take a general training, and get in the top 5% of my class, giving me my pick of A schools. Well, I was second in my class (sleepwalking) and all it got me was the option to go to cook school (and I do some close to gourmet cooking on my own…) or go to my drilling point and ’strike’ for whatever.

I thought I’d get some training, learn something, get money for college… turned out it was all a frakkin lie. Crypto was NEVER an A school I could attend, despite my quals, as a reservist… they don’t waste that training. My recruiting officer failed to tell me that. Faced with ‘cafeteria cook’ and something worse I’ve blocked, I left without any ’skills’ except having survived boot camp.

 

Turned out to be the least of my worries: it’s virtually impossible to strike for a job as a reservist without attending an A school. And the ones I had access to after bootcamp…cook was the best.

Tried to strike for EE (electronics engineer) as I had a facility for it and it was my Dad’s first degree… guess how hard that is from a few books and a bunch of people who couldn’t care less? Guess, just for kicks.

Worst of it was that I had joined thinking I could use the GI bill to go to college. And I could have… except I couldn’t have majored in my love of acting. Another restriction the recruiter didn’t mention: the GI bill monies can only be used for something the military might find useful.

 

I was, sort of, lucky: I was released 3? Years early. I was accepted to a conservatory, and could not pursue my vocation and fulfill my obligation to the Navy at the time. I suppose their (the Navy’s) diagnosis of clinical depression didn’t hurt my cause any.

So, back to the abortion: no, I never told my parents. They seemed to feel that this was an indication I could be manipulated. Bull. When they asked about it I said I’d prefer to tell them myself, but if the Navy needed to do so, fine.

So, here we are today… I have kept my ‘legit’ name and my ‘fetish/porn’ name separate because my mom likes to google things. I’d tell her any and every thing…. I just don’t want her to stumble across a hardcore BDSM vid of me accidentally.

Still: Fuck You USN!!! Despite what you think, I am unbribable.

Why?

Because I refuse to carry shameful secrets.