Jumbled Thoughts
Someone has me thinking about my ex and … ‘Sir’.
Just for clarity, ‘Sir’ is a play partner who happens to have always been addressed as such by me, simply due to how our relationship began and continues to develop. He made mention early on that it would be interesting if I were never to address him in any other fashion. And after a little bit and a couple of encounters I concur (and hope for more encounters ::grin:: )
I’m thinking about the… discussions Sir and I had. I cannot truthfully call them negotiations. It really was more : *this is what I want. Can you deal with that and not call the Police when we’re done? Because at some stage I will stop caring about your pleasure and be totally focused on mine. * No direct quote, but close enough to capture the essence. And also not. What’s missing from the above is long discussions between us that made it clear that what he wanted to do, I wanted to allow. And that what he described was something that, however it turned out, I wasn’t going to run to the cops and press assault charges.
That’s a pretty strong agreement for a woman to make. And a possibly horrid risk for a man! (Change gender associations to suit at will.)
And sadly, that’s kinda the heart of where I play/live/love/exist.
I am spoiled, and I am picky. I know what suits me and what doesn’t and I’m not hesitant to say so, or to say ‘no more’ if I’m not happy. I learned THAT from my ex… I will NEVER unhappily tolerate what is dished to me again. If it doesn’t feed me, I don’t need that. I suppose I owe the ex thanks, in a way… I am no longer broken.
A recent new/re connection puts me in mind of the sexual components of my relationship with my ex….. I hear stories and it pushes virtually every button I have, sexually. If nothing else, the mere fantasy is enough to help chase away the vestigial ghosts: I can *finally* imagine another face, other eyes looking in mine with his arm wrapped ’round my neck, my hands resting, lightly, not clutching, on his arm or wrists, as the color fades from the world and I float…
Realized or not, I can once again imagine being used the way I love (the way HE trained me?) without seeing his face.
That’s a freedom I’ve wanted to reclaim for a while….
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