Shameful Secrets

“If I were a real writer..”

“If I were a real sex worker..”

Both of these have been called into question, if only nominally, in recent weeks. Truth is I once fancied a career in writing. I wrote for and later edited a publication from Exeter NH called ‘The Free Press’. To my knowledge, up until the time I came on the staff no ‘townies’ had been allowed on the paper. I was an anomaly: as far as Exeter Academy was concerned, I was a townie, but I attended a private day-school, so as far as the ‘townies’ were concerned I was a preppie. I’ve frequently felt caught between here and there throughout my life. Never more so than now, I guess….

It is certainly true that as a ’sex worker’ I’m more on the fringes than many I know. Certainly one BDSM or b/g porn doesn’t make me a sex worker in some people’s eyes. To others, the soft shoots I’ve done waggling my tits in front of a camera knowing that would sell more clips makes me a whore.

While I would never argue with the strippers, Pro Dommes and professional escorts that I’m as deeply in the sex industry as they are, I balk at being told I’m not in the industry. Add working for a BDSM producer who liaises with an agent who’s focus is porn, and even if I am not a sex worker in one’s eyes, I’m certainly in the industry…

Recently I applied for a spot in the upcoming workshop: Speak Up! Media Training for the Empowered Sex Worker and to my amazement, I was accepted. One section of the application asks for sex work experience. I was honest, gods know what I’ve done is pretty much out there for anyone to see if they care to look. So, my conclusion is back to what I felt before: within reason, the only one who can decide (for me) if I belong in the sex worker category, is myself. I respect the fact that I am, quite frankly, on the fringes, especially as some would view it. Then again, there are some who (my opinion) are/have been more deeply involved who do NOT ID as sex workers. I reserve the right to make a choice as to what, TO ME ’sex work’ means. I didn’t stumble into one BDSM ’session’ film, I’ve done a few. Forgive me for not having the body of a 24 year old pursued by kink.com, or the ego required to be a high end escort. I don’t want to play ‘I’m more of a sex worker than you.’

I want to work for a voice for sex workers who choose this work. I want to do this because I feel extremely strongly about trafficking, and I think an organized alliance of sex workers can affect, for the better, trafficking and forced sexualization here. If we force the willing sex workers underground, we force the clientele to those forced or coerced.

Granted, I’m slightly off kilter tonight with too many things running thru my head regarding if I should write on this subject, should I get to call myself a sex worker, ought I to have this opportunity? I guess I’ve come full circle back to the activism of my late teens, but in a much more focused way. Then, it was environmental PACs, now it’s work that supports my friends (and would me if I could get the work) and something that has the potential to impact the trafficking in a major way.

I have a friend who knows rather a lot about this.. in fact it’s a major focus. They warned me that this type of activism can lead to serious consequences, serious problems with organized crime… and I’m condensing about a full page of ‘reality check’ in my recount of their warning. And it’s true.

But nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. I don’t know where I’ll fall on this fight, I only know that following this path feels good to me, the way not hiding my involvement in BDSM and fetish modeling did.

I hope the Speak Up! Training will help me feel more grounded in how I present what I think and feel.

Keep ya posted…

~N