Shameful Secrets

My second FetishCon has come and gone. Oddly enough this last one came at a point of change as did the first. The third one is approaching rapidly, and I’m torn as to whether or not to attend.  Quite frankly, if I don’t know I have work booked, I’d rather go to Floating World and get tied up or beaten. Maybe both.

I really didn’t work much at the last Con… I came in with one shoot booked, did an impromptu shoot with a friend (and got to watch a model friend do her magic, like, woah!) and was paid $50 to make a fool of myself trying to get out of a straight jacket for someones amusement. I think I could have kept amusing for a little more $$, but a serious lack of protein left me with the shakes after that one attempt.

If this is sounding like complaint or disappointment, let me assure you, it’s not. I learned a huge amount at the Con last year, about myself, the industry and being the ‘IT’ Girl.

The popular ‘IT’ Girl has always kinda been a bee in my bonnet. Not the women themselves, but the simple concept. Whatever ‘IT’ is, it’s changeable… the ‘IT’ girl of the ’50s holds no resemblance to the ‘IT’ girl of today.

And, segueing into sex work at my time of life just brings in a whole lot more ‘IT’ into play. And for the most part, I’m not ‘IT’. Which pushes a big red button for me.

I am aware that there is plenty of work for me out there… it’s not necessarily the work I WANT, however. I thought, at first, that I might actually be able to make money doing things I enjoyed. So far, it hasn’t worked out that way. It’s a lot of work. Actual work, finding and booking shoots. Usually they are Damsel In Distress stills & video, which means I get badly tied and have to pretend struggle under hot lights in my underwear, and actually struggle to keep the poorly tied rope from falling off. Meh. I’ve had some interest from boy on girl, non fetish porn producers, however with one exception they’ve all seemed pretty shady to me. I’m not sure I want to risk my sexual health to do something I don’t truly feel driven to do.

FetishCon is full of ‘IT’ Girls. My life, my friends list, is full of ‘IT’ girls. It always has been.

After two years of frustration and feeling somehow secondary to many of the women around me, something I seem to have forgotten has reoccurred to me:

I AM an ‘IT’ girl. I always have been, and always will be. Every woman is an ‘IT’ girl. It’s an easy thing to forget, when you aren’t the media standard we see every day, but it’s true.

Being an ‘IT’ girl isn’t about popularity or acclaim. It’s truly about self worth. It’s about being comfortable in your own skin, knowing who you are and accepting that. The women I know whom I consider to be ‘IT’ girls and friends, are friends because they have a confidence I admire. A self respect that, sometimes, I don’t have.

I AM an ‘IT’ girl.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.